Cornelius: Hello all. If it smells like human in here, that is because I have several stinking ones joining me today. First off, Mr. Sean "P. Diddy" Combs.
PD: It just Diddy now, bro. Did you not see
my press conference earlier this week. I dropped the P, bro. It be
all confusing to my fans and stuff. Some chantin' "P Diddy...P Diddy".
Others going "Diddy...Diddy". Yo, it sound all messed up, ain't nobody
know what goin' on. My fans is smart yo, but not that smart bro.
Whoa, that rhymed. I could turn it into a million dollar record yo, but
first I gots to wait until someone else records it. Then I redo it and
make it crazy, yo.
C: That's nice Joe Diffy. My next guest-
PD: Yo man, what'd you call me?!
C: Just sit tight Ken Griffey. Next in line, we have Mr. Terrell Owens, Philadelphia Eagle wide receiver, with his agent Drew Rosenhaus. Gentlemen...
TO: It's great to be here talking with someone who
is not hypocritical like Philadelphia Eagles qarterback Donovan McN-
DR: I think what my client's trying to say, Mr.
Cornelius, is that we're very happy to be here, and we're very satisfied with
the treatment you have given us here today, and we'd like to do our best to
make this the best Cornelius Corner ever.
TO: I quit.
DR: He quits. This is a sham, and we're tired of you taking advantage of TO's talent and not compensating him fairly according to his market value of 6.2 gillion dollars per day. This man flew here on a plane, risking his own life to be here. He did not have to do that. He wanted to. And now all we are asking is for fair compensation for these acts.
TO: That's right, we're happy to be here.
DR: You heard the man, proceed.
C: Alrighty then, you crazy bastards. Finally, here with us today, is Mr. Rafael Palmeiro. Mr. Palmeiro, I would like to thank you for joining us today after what has been a rather controversial couple of weeks for you.
RP: [Pointing] I have never used steroids.
Period.
C: Ah, well, actually, you did.
RP: [Pointing at self] I did?
C: Yes, there was this whole positive drug test and everything...
SS: Don't say another word, Rafey!
C: Wait a minute - fellow Baltimore Oriole, Sammy Sosa - what are you doing here?
SS: I am here to defend my dear friend, Rafey Palmeiro.
PD: Can I say something?
C: What do you want Slim Whitley?
PD: Vote or die, bro.
C: Wonderful. Now, Mr. Sosa, I'm not sure that we can trust your advice. I mean weren't you caught using a corked bat in the summer of 2003.
SS: I tell you friend, that was batting practice bat. No use in game. Wait - hold on - [whispers in Palmeiro's ear]
C: Okay, what's going on you two...
SS: I think Mr. Rafey has confession to make.
RP: [Pointing] I never used steroids in a game. Period. Those were batting practice steroids.
C: Oh, come on. Do you really expect us to buy this? How about you Mr. Sosa, have you been tested for steroids?
SS: Must go now. English...getting...no understand. Por que...me...no tambien...espanol...buenos...nachos. [leaves]
PD: Yo, C?
C: What is it Boo Radley?
PD: Do not disrepect me, bro. I am in Super Bowl Diet Pepsi commercials...
C: Whatever John Daly.
PD: I throw parties, dog! Parties you could not get into!
C: You finished, Brown Doody?
PD: Vote or die, man! Vote or die... That's all I'm trying to say, bro. That's it. Peace.
C: The elections been over for nine months.
PD: Damn bro, does that mean I must die?.
C: Popular vote would say...hopefully. Back to you, Mr. Terrell Owens-
DR: My client will no longer speak today. He feels he has been ignored, not "thrown enough balls", if you will, here in this interview. Until my client's demands are met, the following will occur:
DR: 1. My client will no longer speak or listen to Donovan McNabb in the huddle. As a matter of fact he will not partake in the "huddle", because he will not stand within five feet of Mr. McNabb. I will take his place in the huddle, and all plays will be relayed to my client by me. I will run to the sideline and tell him the play, and at that time, we will make a decision upon whether or not this play is suitable for my client's immediate future, and whether he has been appropriately compensated for said play.
DR: 2. My client will not eat Mrs. McNabb's Chunky Campbell soup anymore, unless it is prepared by someone other than Donovan or his mother. Also, on a side note, he will not share his Apple Jacks with anyone.
DR: 3. He will not wear the same uniform as Mr. McNabb. This year he play football in Pittsburgh Pirates uniform, complete with the glove and all.
DR: 4. He will do the opposite of what he supposed to do at all times. If you want him to look right, you better tell him to look left, brother.
DR: That being said, I think things will go just fine, and hopefully there will be no ill will between my client and any of the players, coaches, owners, or fans of the Philadelphia Eagles organization.
C: Terrific. Well, I've got to run. I just got the Scientology Bible on audio tapes. I'd like to thank my guests Mr. Terrell and Mr. Rosenhaus; and also Mr. Palmeiro, and of course, Fu-Schnickens, who prefers now to be called "Fu-Schnick".. Till next time...