Hello. My name is Cornelius. An ape from your inevitable doom. And it's time for the dirty-human news.
National Current Events
A Jim Beam bourbon warehouse in Kentucky burned in a towering inferno on August 4th. Jack Daniels was seen fleeing the scene. Julius Kessler and Admiral Nelson are being held for questioning.
Although the search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq continues and a full report is yet to be released, Cornelius has obtained a copy of President Bush's would-be post weapons-finding speech:
Oh my God, I'm back. I'm home, all the time. You finally really did it, you maniacs. You blew it up. God damn you. God damn you all to Hell!
Following the speech, Colon Powell would proclaim to Mr. Bush, "Sir, you've always been right here, and they didn't blow anything up." And Mr. Bush replies, "You did what to the who now?".
Human basketball star Kobe Bryant originally proclaimed that he did not have
sex with the hotel clerk accusing him of sexual assault. Later, he
retraced his steps, saying that he did have sex with her, but it was
consensual. In a related story, Cornelius had sex with several female
apes in his day. All of them hairy, stinky, and so d
amned ugly.
Was it consensual? Key fact - I'm the only ape on this planet who can
speak. Take that Kobe.
Human actor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced last week that he will run for governor in California. Some point to Arnold's Predator co-star Jesse Ventura's run as Minnesota's governor as the spark for Arnold's confidence. You know what they say: human see, human do.
Local Current Events
There was said to be a beer shortage in Escanaba, Michigan this week.
Bar-keeps were closing their doors until they could restock. In a
related story, there was a Nault wedding this past Saturday. All of the
Nault's were questioned, but none of them could recall where they were on
Saturday night.
Local rock stars Middle Finger played at The Delft this past Friday and Saturday. Their set list included 45 AC/DC songs (including several duplicates) and Paradise City.
Local restaurant and brewpub Hereford & Hops unveiled there new business continuance plan this past weekend. The plan includes serving beer in hot pitchers and hot glasses, and trying to get their customers to leave. Apparently, things have gotten so good since they closed the downstairs bar, they've decided to try to put the upstairs bar under, too.
The local police force is hoping that you have a sober driver.
The Inland Steel ore boat was in port this weekend.
Question and comments from Dirty Humans
Jim
says: Hey Corney, Just a quick note. The Cardinals are
going all the way in 2003! No If, ands, or butts! So take your stinking
paws off them you damn dirty ape!!!
Cornelius says: It's Cornelius, my human friend. I don't know much about the ins & outs of your "base ball game". I'm just a ape. Some of your astronauts from the n.r.a. traveled through space and time and brought me back from the future. But what I do know is this - if my client falls on the ice on that man's property, he deserves no less than one million dollars in compensatory damages and one million in punative damages.
Trish
says: If you had 1 million dollars, & were stranded on an island- who
would
you choose to be your love slave: Brian, Dave, or Clay??
Cornelius says: Well, Clay's the smart one, Dave's the practical one, and Brian's the one that's not going bald. I think I'll keep the money and enjoy the fresh smell of no humans.
Have a nice day dirty, stinking, human bastards.