It seems that every time I try to retire to my quiet life of observing human stupidity some act of humanity occurs that is just too ridiculous to let slip by. As you know, several of your men of sport have recently been
called out for their probable use of steroids to enhance their physical beings and therefore to become stronger,
faster, and hence better, players of sport.
Today I have invited several of your favorite heroic players of sport to answer questions from a panel that
will consist of your leader, Mr. President George W. Bush, Mr. Mike Tyson, and myself, Cornelius. We will
be asking questions to Mr. Curt Schilling, Mr. Rafeal Palmeiro, Mr. Mark McGwire, Mr. Samuel Sosa, and
Mr. Jose Canseco. Let us begin:
Cornelius: Welcome, Mr. President; Mr. Tyson.
GWB: Hello Mr. Cornelius.
Tyson: Hewwo Cornewius.
Cornelius: Mr. Schilling, we will start with you. You have been open in your opposition to steroid use, and you
have also openly criticized Mr. Canseco's book. For the record, would you please reeducate the panel as to
your feelings.
CS:
Yes, I think Mr. Canseco is a liar. In his book he states that 80% of
major leaguers were using
steroids. I've played on several teams, with over a thousand different players, and I've never seen so
much as a syringe in one locker room in all my years. But if I ever did, I would have no doubt that
it would belong to some hippie liberal democrat who would like nothing more than to take a syringe
and inject socialism, taxes, and abortion deep into the heart of Major League Baseball.
Cornelius: Mr. Rafeal, how do you feel about this?
RP: I agree with Mr. Schilling - yes, he has played on several teams.
Cornelius: Mr. McGwire, how do you feel about this?
MM: Uh, I'd like to answer that question, but I retired four years ago. I'm not going to talk about the past,
especially
if it involves me basking in all the glory of breaking Roger Maris's homerun
record; yep, just soaking
it up day after day, week after week, month after month, becoming one of the most celebrated players in the
history of baseball. Boy, it's all people wanted to talk about - hell, it's all I wanted to talk about. Just talk, talk,
talk about it all day and night. So when it comes time for me to be a man and take responsibility for my actions,
admit that I cheated, and give it all back, here's what I say to that: I'm retired, the past is in the past, right? huh?
right? Let's just focus on the future, the positives. There's just too much negativity here today. We need to think positive
thoughts. Hey, when I'm feeling negative, you know what I always do? Think about one of my 70 home runs
from 1998. You should try it. Now don't ask me anymore questions unless they relate to positivity. That's why
I came here. You should thank me.
Cornelius: Mr. Samuel Sosa, do you agree with Mr. Canseco or Mr. Schilling on the steroids issue?
SS: Uh, okay.
Cornelius: Mr. Canseco, you basically bragged about steroid use in your book. You stated that steroids are the
wave of the future, and that before long all athletes on all levels would be using them to enhance their performance.
JC: Yes, I agree, steroids are a horrible, horrible thing. Nobody should use them.
Cornelius: Uh, but your book says -
JC: Cornelius, come on bro'. Your book, your book, your book - that's all I keep hearing. I wrote that book so long
ago, I don't even remember what's in it. But what it probably says is that I am against steroids and I want to make sure
kids and pro athletes alike realize all of the health risks associated with steroids.
Cornelius: With that I will turn the floor over to Mr. Tyson.
Tyson: Thank you my fuwry fwiend. My first questions is for Mr. Canseco. Mr. Canseco, if I were to inject steroids directly
into my incisors, would I be able to eat peoples' children at a much more rapid pace.
JC: Ah, yes Mike, I would say so.
Tyson: My next question is for Mr. Canseco. Mr. Canseco, would you say that I could eat several peoples' childwen at
the same time.
JC: Umm, I really don't know Mike.
Tyson: My next question is for Mr. Canseco. Mr. Canseco, would you be willing to inject steroids directly into my incisors?
JC: Actually, Mike, I have injected steroids into your incisors. Many times, in fact. Many times already today, in fact.
Tyson: My next question is for Mr. Canseco. Mr. Canseco, do you have any childr-
Cornelius: Okay!! Mr. Tyson, do you have any questions for the rest of the panel??
Tyson: Yes I do Cowrnelius.
Cornelius: Any questions that do not involve their children?
Tyson: No sir.
Cornelius: Then we will move on to President Bush.
GWB: Curt Schilling, would you say that steroid use in baseball was limited to a small group of players?
CS: Yes, I would say that's true.
GWB: Would you say that these players were of a certain distinction, maybe of a certain ethnic-i-city?
CS: Ethnicity? Ah, yes, I'd say so.
GWB: Would you say that steroids could be used as a "weapon" to defeat unsuspecting opponents?
CS: Sure..
GWB: Would you say that steroids increase an athlete's "mass"?
CS: That is a proven fact, yes.
GWB: Would you say that steroids could cause "destruction" to the human anatomy?
CS: That's one way of putting it, yes.
GWB: Ladies and gentlemen of the panel, America, it is clear to me from Mr. Schilling's testimony that steroids are
indeed "weapons" of "mass" "destruction". And it is also clear from his testimony that they are a threat to be used by a
certain "ethnic-i-city". Finally, it is clear that Mr. Schilling and I believe that these weapons must be found at all costs; and therefore,
later today we will be launching a "seek and destroy" attack on the foreign country of Puerto Rico. Make no mistake -
we will search and find this threat where it lives, in it's own home, so we don't have to face in ours. Thank you America. (Walks off).
Cornelius: Okay, looks like Mr. Bush is leaving. I will continue with the questioning. Mr. Palmeiro, did you ever
come into contact with steroids or see them in the locker room at all during your career?
RP: I agree with Mr. Schilling.
Cornelius: But I didn't ask him anything.
RP: I agree, you did not.
Cornelius: Fine, moving on - Mr. McGwire, same question please.
MM: I'm retired, so I cannot answer that.
Cornelius: Mr. Mark, you are retired from baseball. Retiring doesn't mean you forget everything that happened to you
while you were active.
MM: No, I mean I am now retired from question-answering about the past. You missed it. I just announced my retirement
while you were talking to Rafeal. Oh, and I would also like to announce my retirement from "negativity".
Cornelius: Mr. Mark, how do you expect this panel to productively proceed if you refuse to answer any questions about
the past?
MM: Leave me alone.
Cornelius: Mr. McGwire?!
MM: Dooon't!
Cornelius: Mr. McGwire, are you crying?
MM: Shut up!
(Begins to sob, gets up and runs. Runs past Canseco, Canseco trips him. Falls over some chairs.
Gets up and looks around. Panel, players, and audience trying to hold back laughter).
MM: I hate you! I hate you all! (Runs out of room crying and screaming like a little girl).
Cornelius: I guess that brings us to you Mr. Sosa. Have you ever came in personal contact with steroids or have you seen
them in any locker rooms in your career?
SS: Um, okay.
Cornelius: Just leave.
SS: Um, okay. (leaves)
Cornelius: That brings us back to you Mr. Canseco. We still have not obtained a reasonable explanation as to how you
wrote a book in which you were pretty much advocating the use of steroids, and now your statements seem to be
different by 180 degrees.
JC: That's right Cornelius, steroids are a horrible, horrible thing. I can't believe my brother Ozzie likes them so much.
Cornelius: Ozzie Canseco? What are you talking about?
JC: That's right, Ozzie. He just wrote a book about it. It's called Juiced -
Cornelius: That's it! All humans out! Or you'll have Mr. Tyson over for lunch!